I need to learn how to deal with stress

Back to Living — By on May 18, 2011 at 11:27 am

Today has been a slightly stressful day. Its Monday – need I say more? Well, yeah. I do need to. This was more than just a BLAH Monday.

I woke up late. (What else is new?)
I basically avoided dealing with the conversation I had with my career counselor on Friday. (JT will tell you that avoidance is a pattern with me.)
I was 27 minutes late for an appointment with my oncologist. (What else is new?)
And I was a complete mess when I got there. I was being unusually emotional. And this was just a routine study follow up.

I mentioned the headaches and other symptoms that I’ve been having. (Congratulations to me. Now I’m pretty sure I’m not on the placebo.) All the symptoms are typical with the Neratinib except the headaches. (Is anyone else feeling a little deja vou-ish?)

As expected, Dr. Wilkinson came into check me out since the headaches are not usually caused by the study med. And AS EXPECTED she wanted me to get a brain MRI. (I’m not kidding here. This IS exactly what I was expecting her to do.) This is standard for me now. I have a persistent cough – first check for lung mets. I have a chronic headache – first check for brain mets.

So can anyone tell me why I was bawling the entire way to work after getting my MRI orders?

The rational side of me 100% expected this. I put a plan in place. I scheduled the test for Wednesday night. I arranged for a ride to and from the office. I made sure I had Ativan on hand. Yes, the MRI is super scary. And I am extremely claustrophobic. I totally freaked out during the last one – in spite of taking a half an Ativan beforehand. But I know that. So I will take a whole one before heading over there and have a half with me – just in case. I also know that we are all fully expecting the scans to show nothing. They just need to be done for that .0000001% chance that I have a brain tumor. I’d have a better shot at winning the lottery. (Mental note. If I do have a tumor, must buy lottery ticket.)

I think it was the combination of work stress, the conversation I had on Friday stress, I’m PMS’ing, and this was the icing on the cake. I’m really not all that proud of how I handled it. I could have done a lot better. (But hindsight is 20-20, right?) I spent an hour with JT bawling and complaining and having a total self pity party. Then I came home and was a little piggy while I squeezed/hugged/harassed/tortured my poor innocent little puppy – who won’t sleep with me now because she’s too scared of being hugged to death. I watched some crap tv. Soaked in a hot bath to relax a little. Read Charles’s book. Blogged. And now I’m going to go to sleep.

The things that should have been different are – no need to have been a piggy. Or if I was gong to be one, replace the fudgesicles with a baked apple or some veggies. I was supposed to have done another 40 min on the treadmill/bike (I only had time for 30 min this morning). That would have been a great way to work out my irritation, stress, whatever. The rest I think was fine.

Like I said before – I’m a work in progress. I guess I can look at it and see that this is a lot better than I handled it last time.

To read more, visit Jessica at: Living It Up

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